My devotions this morning stretched me…it even hurt a little. I even struggled a little bit about writing a post about it, but then I remembered that this is the main point of the blog in the first place: to share my spiritual journey (the good, the bad, and the ugly). And it’s my fault anyway. I’ve been asking God to poke and prod and help me grow…He just gave me what I asked for.

The topic this time around? Faith.

It started with my devotional book reading discussing the topic of faith and our belief in God’s abilities and willingness to work in our lives (I warn you…this stuff is toe stepping material):

“We can believe that God might meet our need without any understanding of whether He wants to. And our suspicion of Him at this point is often the flaw in our belief.

“We know God can do great things on our behalf; we seldom believe that He will.

“We often tacitly acknowledge God’s omnipotence, His ability to intervene in our lives, even in very specific ways. But this is only half of faith. It has nothing to do with our experiences as long as it remains only a theological proposition. The other half of faith is understanding the mercy of God and His great willingness to intervene. This is what brings His glory from the realm of theology into the practicum of our lives. You want mercy and power? Expect mercy and power. And it will be done to you.” 
(At His Feet, page 300)

G-U-I-L-T-Y-!

I have long struggled with my lack of faith. I want to have faith…and I certainly believe that God CAN do some amazing things. What God exposed within my spirit this morning is that I don’t usually think God will, because I don’t trust His heart. I don’t trust God’s motive.

I know that sounds crazy..and it is a little bit. I know where it comes from, but my childhood is only an excuse. God wants to heal this within my spirit. He wants to free me from this lack of faith (or half-faith?). I desperately want to see the miraculous and the supernatural (not just for it’s own sake but to see God revealed and working as a result of my faith).

I do know that I’m not alone here. Even if others today don’t admit to this ailment I know that Jesus saw it plenty of time sin His ministry. He was constantly chastising people, including His disciples, for their lack of faith. And as long as they didn’t walk away from Jesus He was more than willing to help their lack of faith. If they showed an interest in growing and changing then He was there to help.

After my reading and prayer time this morning…after God had done some of His work on me…I felt a lot like the man in Mark 9:14-29 who has brought his demon-possessed son to Jesus for healing (after the disciples couldn’t to it because of their…well, you know):

“How long has this been happening?” Jesus asked the boy’s father.
He replied, “Since he was a little boy. The spirit often throws him into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.”
“What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.”
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

It’s that last line that has stuck with me all day (and that God is using it to change my heart and spirit on this topic):

I do believe — in God’s ability and power to do great and wonderful things

…but help me overcome my unbelief! — In God’s heart and motives…His willingness to work in my life.

I think many Christians suffer this particular malady, but God is working on me so that’s my focus right now. I am praying ans asking him to change my heart and restore my faith to fullness. Faith in God’s ability and faith in God’s heart. I’m a work in progress…